Photo by Hanna Postova on Unsplash

Spirals

Sometimes I spiral back to the pain
As I sat passively taking the physical slaps, harsh words, the black and blue marks on my face
Tears streamed down my eyes
My heart sank, fear overcame me
My body shuddered, I cowered, too afraid to stand up for myself and my kids
He always apologized except when he could not handle his own anger
His undeniable pain, remorse at the state of his health, his daily existence, his own children afraid of his wrath
No substances induced the storms, it was an internal loathing that was uncontrollable
It seems distant yet close
I cycle back to who I was when I feel sadness
So convoluted and inexplicable
Can anyone truly resonate how deeply low I felt though cared for?
The manipulation is akin to a layer cake of thorns and dates unbeknownst to the naked eye that only God heard my cries
Neatly manicured and masked by smiles and compassion
As my children move on their memories also flee until a person crosses the invisible line demeaning, chipping away at their power
Now they fight in their brilliance
The sadness in our hearts and souls forever sovereign lifted from the wrath that we allowed ourselves to endure
Nobody to blame we were all in pain
When he died a part of us died and lifted us to a new paradigm of pleasure, power, and magnetic radiant light